Generation X Life Support

Have you seen these car window memorials?  These are pretty popular here in NJ. 

I’ll try to tread lightly on this topic because I realize 9/11 wasn’t too long ago and we are currently fighting 2 wars.  And let’s face it – losing someone you love is very sad. 

But your car window???  Is this really how someone should be remembered?  Not to mention, why would you want to be reminded of such tragic things every time you get into your car? 

About 3 weeks ago my wife and I stopped at a traffic light.  I looked over at the white, mid 1990’s generic GM sedan next to us and saw a relatively young girl at the wheel, chain smoking away.  I take a look at the back window and I saw one of these memorials, which read “R.I.P.  John (Last Name Here) 1982 – 2007“. 

What’s so funny about that?  Well above his name was (apparently) his favorite quote, which read “ONLY THE STRONG SURVIVE“. 

Well Johnny, it seems fairly obvious that you weren’t strong enough to survive and this attention starved lady driving the car apparently wants the world to know it. 

Folks, this is why we have cemeteries and tombstones…  And please…  PLEASE think hard about the words used to remember your loved ones.

Just a little advice the next time you replace or upgrade to a new iPod – get your name and number engraved on it.

I know you might be thinking of something clever since engraving is free, but here’s my advice – keep it simple.  Your name and your number is all you need. 

While traveling on vacation this past week, I had my “lost” iPod returned to me on the plane before I even knew it was lost.   Apparently, while waiting for my flight at the gate, I either left it on the seat or dropped it while walking to board the plane. 

An airline employee returned it to me on the plane as we were all boarding.  And thank goodness!  It was a four hour flight and they were showing “Marley and Me”, which I had seen on a previous flight 1 month earlier. 

Oh, and that movie sucked.

I know I’m probably stating the obvious here, but now you have me as a living example.  Besides, what else would you put there – “I Wanna Rock”, “Hang Loose”, “Keep on Truckin”, “It’s 4:20 Somewhere on the Planet” or “I Love Mom”?

Lame…

The three of us here at genxls do more than bitch about the government, give health advice, tell family stories and swap wives on Wednesday nights (ok, we might be overdoing it with the family stories).  Believe it or not, we also go to work 5 days a week (sometimes more, sometimes less) and have been working in corporate America longer than any of us care to remember.

As a project manager for 10+ years, I often hear about new ways to improve PM methodology, process flows and requirement gathering, but one challenge constantly overlooked is how to manage a worker your project is dependent upon without the authority to punish them, intimidate them, reward their performance or increase their compensation.

As projects come up, they will all have varying degrees of challenges, requirements, risks and difficulty levels, but managing without authority is probably the most consistent challenge/risk that applies to every project regardless of industry, scope or goal.  I hope the following bullets help provide you with some ideas to help deal with this challenge.

• Reach out to “everyone” when determining your stakeholders. Don’t make assumptions that a functional area or owner is not going to be affected by your project scope.  A simple phone call or addition to an outlook meeting invite can mean the difference between a successful project launch or a painful software rollback because “we forgot that one dude”.  Keeping people aware and involved not only covers your ass, but it helps build trust and they will appreciate you thinking of them.
• It’s not all about “the business”. When you call someone about a deliverable or some project element, take a few minutes to ask how they are doing, how the family is, etc.  Warming up to people will go a long way and will help build trusted relationships and a positive experience when you reach out to someone.  Besides, who wants to otalk about work stuff for 8 – 12 hours a day?  Have a chat about sports, TV shows, pets and vacations.  How would you act at a family party of a new girlfriend or boyfriend if you really like him/her?
• Do NOT let reputations be your guide. Every office has one – the hard-ass in Accounting, IT or Legal that everyone dreads working with.  That person may be a total asshole, but so what?  Why not attempt to have the same conversations you would with an easy-going person?  Why not say hello to him/her in the office?  Did you just get off the phone with them and they seemed like they were in a shitty mood?  Drop a candy bar off at their desk, or send them a funny email joke.  Make’em laugh!  And did you ever consider that the reason they may be an asshole is because they have to deal with schmucks like you every day?  I’ve actually been able to get some special treatment by some very notorious office personalities by simply dropping off a 60 cent candy bar on their desk as a thank you.
• Do on to others. Want respect for your process?  Well, that’s a 2 way street.  If some project stakeholder asks you to fill out a form or a work request to get on their work schedule or to show their boss what they had to do that week then do it.  Sure, bitch about it later or bitch to yourself as you fill it out, but still do it. And do it right!  That’s what they need to get their job done, so make their job easier.  When you respect other group’s processes, even when these people’s processes (and personalities) are notoriously difficult or asinine, they just might surprise you with some quality support, and might even forgive you when you have the occasional screw up.
• Ask everyone and anyone. Be open to suggestions, no matter who does the suggesting. Sometimes explaining your dilemma to someone who isn’t a stakeholder in your project can yield some good advice or show you something you missed. I’ve shared work stories with my wife and father and while they might not be able to offer the solution to a problem, they might be able to give guidance on dealing with a difficult person. This also applies to fellow employees at the office. If you’re having a brainstorming session about how to market a new product or promotion, invite someone from finance or accounting. They shop just like the customers you’re targeting. Since they work at the same company, they just might have something to contribute. Besides, inviting them to the session could help build a sense of trust and support for a project they might be a stakeholder for down the road.
• Flattery may not get you everywhere, but it doesn’t hurt. Did someone do a good job for you? Send their boss an email or a note about how awesome they were. Did a person go ahead and do the bare minimum they had to do for you to get your contract approved or your system enhancement deployed on time and on/under budget? Well, that’s helpful, too! If that guy/gal wasn’t there to “flick the switch” or hand the contract to the CEO for a simple signature, where would you be without them? Why shouldn’t he/she get some brownie points, too?
  

Anyway, I hope these tips help you in your career, so good luck!

My dog has OCD.

Let me explain…

So you know those elevated dog bowl trays you can get at any Petco or PetSmart that elevate dog bowls off the ground, so they do not have to bend over to eat off the floor?  Well, we have one for our dog, Rocky.

Apparently these elevated trays are specifically designed to “promote better digestion” and “reduce air swallowing”.  I assume reduced air swallowing is supposed to reduce dog farts, but no one has explained that to Rocky.

Anyway, when I feed Rocky, I usually put his water bowl in the left tray hole, and his food bowl in the right tray hole, as pictured here:

Rocky Eating Food

Last week, without realizing, I placed his water bowl on the right side of his tray and his food bowl on the left.  I then proceeded to sit down at the kitchen table and chat with my wife.  As we were talking, we were interrupted by a dog whine.  We looked over to see him refusing to eat his food.  He just stared at me.  So I said, “Go ahead and eat, Rocky,” and resumed my conversation.  As soon as I started talking, he whined again.

I got up and checked out his food bowl.  Everything looked normal, so I once again encouraged him to eat with a pat on the head.

He just continued to stared at me and wagged his tail.

I was now perplexed.   I asked my wife what she thought was wrong.  She looked at the arrangement of his bowls and said,  “Oh, maybe he’s upset because his bowls are out of place.”

My wife swaps his bowls, pats him on the head, and without hesitation, the dog proceeds to eat every bit of kibble.

What goes through a dog’s head that makes him NOT want to eat because his bowls are not in the “right” order?  Do wolves only eat their kill on the right side of their favorite watering hole?  Apparently, it doesn’t matter what they eat, as long as it is on the right hand side of a water source.

Anyway, I am now wondering what the marketplace demand is for Doggy Feng Shui?  Hey don’t laugh.  I now have doggy therapy to pay for!

I am Pro-choice. Very much so. I believe that there are far too many variables involved for anyone other then the potential mother to make the decision to carry a child full term or not. Current medical rationale is that a fetus becomes “a person” when there is detectable high level brain activity. Pro-life advocates would argue that it is a life from the moment of conception. Neither definition takes into account any emotional attachment, emotional trauma, financial burden, family situation, religious obligations, etc…

My wife has had 2 miscarriages now, and given birth to a beautiful son with a third pregnancy.
The first miscarriage was shortly after we were married. There was come concern that we may not be able to have kids and the miscarriage was very early into the pregnancy – a few weeks. Nevertheless, the emotional impact was devastating to both of us as we pondered whether we would ever have kids naturally. We spent a lot of time talking about adoption and fertility clinics. It would turn out that there was no need for either.

About 10 months later, my wife was pregnant again and this time carried full term and gave birth to a 9.5lb baby boy. It was a completely normal pregnancy with no real drama or notable concerns. Our hopes were renewed and we then began talking about how many kids we wanted and how far apart. We agreed that two was plenty and we would wait until our son was at least a year old.

Well, right around his 18 month checkup my wife told me she was pregnant again. We were elated. Everything was on schedule – if there is such a thing with kids and babies. Talks this time were more focused on finances, furniture, diapers, rearranging rooms and that sort of thing. We had no assumptions that there would be any issues with the pregnancy and remained cautiously optimistic. We talked about names and agreed that the middle name, should it be a boy, would honor her father. The first appointment with her doctor would be right around 8 weeks and we felt that it best to keep the pregnancy to ourselves until then.

That appointment was a little while back. We laughed in the waiting room as we recalled various moments from her prior pregnancy. Once in the exam room, the mood was still very light hearted. Her doctor examined her and I stood by cracking jokes about the birthing experience of our son. We thought nothing of it when her Doctor asked us to “head upstairs for a sonogram tonight.”

I stood behind the technician as she performed the exam and watched as she took measurements and zoomed into various areas. Finally, she focused in on the fetus itself to measure it’s heart rate. I marveled at the image. The head was clearly visible and small arms were forming – I am always impressed by these glimpses into the development. Even though it was still very “tadpole” like, I couldn’t help but view the image as a swaddled infant – recalling those early days with our son.

It was with that image in my head that I nearly gasped as she typed “NO FHM” over the image. She turned the probe and went from another angle – zooming in to the swaddled baby developing in my wife’s womb and once again typed “NO FHM.”

My heart sank. I wasn’t sure if my wife saw my expression change, but she said nothing to me.
The technician asked my wife to get dressed and turned to us and said “The fetus looks to be about 7 1/2 weeks, but I can’t detect a heartbeat. I’m going to bring the results down to your doctor, but you should head back down there from here.”

I knew what it meant; I’m sure my wife knew what it meant. Neither of us acknowledged what it meant. We simply went downstairs where her doctor confirmed it and scheduled the D&C to remove the lifeless fetus from my wife.

The emotions that I felt were hard for me to justify. This was not technically “a life.” This was just some cells in the process of developing. Yet I felt like I had lost a child. I felt an overwhelming sense of disappointment and loss over that swaddled infant I had seen on the screen.

Her doctor explained things rationally. 50% of all pregnancies result in miscarriages. There was nothing we could do to prevent it. I remained composed through it all for my wife’s benefit but felt very conflicted internally. I couldn’t understand my own feelings well enough to adequately understand hers at this moment. It was not the devastating feeling of hopelessness that accompanied the first miscarriage. This was anguish.

So when does a fetus become a “life” or a “person?” I would argue that a fetus becomes a “person” when a parent feels an emotional attachment even if that occurs prior to detectable brain activity.(*) An emotional attachment can be due to religious beliefs, personal beliefs or anything else. In my case it was nothing more then an image. It is then up to the mother to determine if she can adequately provide for this child, give it up for adoption or terminate the pregnancy. Government, state or federal, should not be making that decision.

(*)The caveat has to be made that once medically determined to be a “life” a mother’s emotional attachment is no longer a factor in that decision.

I had the pleasure of attending a Yuppie convention this past weekend - better known as the The Barclay’s Golf Tournament in the Posh NJ town of Ridgewood.  Actually, that’s incorrect, it’s ‘Ridgewood Country Club’ in the not-as-exclusive town of Paramus.  I suppose using the Ridgewood name is a clever ploy to charge more money.  Vive le Capitalism.

As I made my way through General Parking to the nearest make shift tram, I was stopped by an archetypal Yuppie who advised that cell phones were not permitted.  He wasn’t part of the staff, just a fellow groupie that was turned back at the gate for ‘carrying’.   My first response to the small crowd was “Oh my god, how will I survive’.  I said this more in mockery to illicit a chuckle (which it did), but part of me did fall into a momentary panic.  What if I need to look something up on the internet? How will I text message my friends and family?  What if there’s an emergency and not one of the other 100 Thousand spectators and staff could help me? 

I’m not even sure how I didn’t see the Cell phone ban coming,  if you’ve ever watched a tournament you know how deafly quiet it is when a Tour Player is in his backswing.  Imagine Sergio Garcia slicing his drive into the woods after his concentration was disrupted by an obnoxiously loud polytonic rendition of fur elise.  Anyway, after a friend and I literally stood there debating if we could beat the security check, we decided to heed his warning and begrudgingly return our lifelines to the safety of our vehicles. 

Obviously, within minutes, my dependency on the charms of Blackberry faded and I was absorbed in the wonder and beauty of the event.  As we made our way through the different holes I started to notice how pleasant it was.  Not only wasn’t I incessantly checking my e-mail like a pavlovian test case, but no one around me had their nose buried in their handset, or chatted loudly on a superfluous call.  More importantly, however, with large crowds moving about the grounds, nobody was distracted enough to cause foot traffic or general chaos.  As much as I relished this, it seemed incomprehensible that our generation lived two decades without such modern technological conveniences. 

I’m sure kids today think we’re part of the dark ages since we grew up withouth the Internet, Cell phones, and email.  For the first time I think i’m turning into my dad; I can start a story to my young cousins with ‘when i was your age, we didn’t have email – We had to walk up hill both ways in the snow to a mailbox!’  *gasp*

Let me take you back a few years. Well, like 15 years to be exact. I was working at a large Wireless phone service provider in a major metropolitan area. My job was to take calls from people whose phones had been compromised and, essentially, be screamed at.

We were required to take 35 calls a day at a minimum. So I was required to be abused by customers at least 35 times a day.

Over the 2 years that I held this job, I quickly learned how to “defuse the angry customer” and, more importantly, keep my sanity while keeping an even keel. It was far too easy to let them get to you and lose your patience and/or temper – which helped no one, but least of all me. I needed beer money and couldn’t afford to lose a job.

I am going to share couple of stories from that time… Today’s lesson is about irrational behavior.

On this one fine day, I received a call from Mr. Cust. His phone had obviously been compromised and our standard procedure at the time was to change the customer’s phone number. The only way to do this was to manually reprogram the phone or have the customer take the phone to a store. Manually programming the phone required the phone to be shutdown and thus could not be done while talking on the phone.

Imagine yourself in his shoes – Wireless service was expensive. Few people had phones and those that did paid a lot and expected a lot. You try to place a call – most likely important – and you are routed to a customer service rep that tells you that you need to immediately change your number. The number most of your business colleagues have and the number you have probably had for quite a while at this point.

Yeah, he wasn’t happy either.

But as a professional (those that know me are allowed to laugh here) – I do my best to make things as easy as possible for Mr. Cust. I explain the situation. I assure him he will not be charged for any use that is not is – in fact I am willing to give him a whole month free (mainly because we are not able to give credit for calls at this point). He’s still not happy about changing his number.

I explain his options:
1) take the phone to a store and they will have you in and out in a matter of minutes.
2) call me directly from a landline phone and I will walk him through reprogramming.

he wants option 3) Reprogram the phone while he is talking to me on it.
He is very busy after all.

I very calmly explain why that is not possible and offer to call him at a number of his choosing at any time he would like. No good, he wants the phone reprogrammed now.

Again, I explain that it is not possible and his response is “I want my phone number changed now – walk me through it right now!”

I said , “ok sir – please press end” and he dutifully complied allowing me to be screamed at by 34 other irrational assholes that day.

As hard as I tried to make things easy for him and as much as I empathized with his situation he wanted extra – asking for something not technologically possible and refusing to accept that the person he was talking to might really be doing everything they could.

The moral here is that the customer is NOT always right – sometimes the customer is just too pissed off to think rationally.